It’s nearly eleven on a Saturday evening. My eyes want to shut. I’ve just scarred my mind with gruesome scenes from ‘Killing Eve’. Then I’ve spent ten minutes contemplating the disaster that is our world, with the new figures that says we have only 12 years to limit climate change, and feeling helpless that I feel so powerless. It’s all very well people on Twitter saying we can do our bit and every little helps, but when billionaires and companies are the leading cause of climate change, it leaves me feeling helpless for our generation and the ones to come.
And still, on this very insignificant evening, I’ve logged onto here to write a blog for the first time in over a year. I used to be a regular blogger. Hell, through year ten and eleven this community and blogging was the thing that got me through. Then I made the decision to delete all my posts and re-start without being anonymous, opening it up to my friends and family. Aaaaannddd then I disappeared for thirteen months.
This last year has been an absolute blur. I was admitted to hospital a year ago which brought a very abrupt stop to my blogging. This year has been a haze of emptiness, depression, pain, shame, embarrassment and hurting. I’ve feel like I’ve been chased through forests by fire, climbed up mountains to run away from wolves…clearly I feel like I’ve been running away from something. I’ve had a lot of good times too. I’ve made new friends in and out of hospital with people who’ve inspired me, made me laugh, shown me the good that’s left in this broken world. Old friendships have been strengthened. Friends for life have been secured. Hey, I’ve even decided that I want to have like ten kids (preferably five myself, then adopt and foster) and I want a girl called Alissa…, but then again, I’m rather impulsive and I know my mind will change, but for now I’m sticking with what seems like a great plan.
So this year’s been a little bit mad. I’ve spent a great deal of time in hospitals, having break downs, but as I’ve got better I’ve also focused myself on my two A-levels, English Literature and Psychology, and my EPQ, on the title, ‘Is the use of the mental health act an abuse of human right’s?’ I’m loving school at the minute. Seeing my beautiful friends everyday. Watching them flourish and prosper in the opportunities that they’re taking in their stride. My lessons are fun, even though it can be hard work. I have the loveliest teachers, and for the first time in a long time I feel safe at school. Other than in the cafe at break time when it feels like a swarm of hornets having a tea party.
I’ve decided what I want to do after a-levels. (I think, though I did go to a university open day today which just made me triple confused on top of the mush that my brain is already). I think I want to do Psychology. Up until today I’d have said that was what I was doing, no doubt about it, but the mental health nursing talk today has made me doubt myself over and over. But I love Psychology. The subject’s given me energy, purpose, and has opened my mind to a whole realm of questions and possibilities that I’d never considered before (and now can’t ever get the answers to, because that’s the fun of Psychology…it often doesn’t give answers, only theories, and then evidence to support that and dispute it, so really you’re no better off than you were to start with!!!)
So that’s the life plan at the minute. Who knows, it’ll probably have changed by tomorrow 🙂 In terms of slightly more imminent plans, I’m seeing a friend tomorrow who I haven’t seen since a year last Summer (seemingly I ditched her around the same time as I ditched you…). We used to be best friends growing up and then we went to separate secondary schools and have tried to keep in touch throughout. I’m super super excited to see her though! She’s picking me up as she passed her test two weeks ago, and I can hardly believe that my best friend from the age of seven can drive (great, now I sound like one of those old family friends at gatherings who you don’t know but knows you and can’t believe how old you got.)
I’d better go to sleep. Or rather spend the next thirty minutes scrolling through Twitter and Instagram until eventually begrudgingly putting my phone on airplane mode and falling asleep. Don’t tut at me, or roll your eyes…I know I’m not the only one who doesn’t listen to that rule that you shouldn’t go on your phone for an hour before you go to bed.
This has been nice, writing this. I miss blogging. I miss the feeling of just opening the page and the words falling out of my fingertips. Connecting with the wonderful people I used to, having conversations which fuelled passion inside of me. This community still has a special place in my heart.
I’ll leave you with this:
‘Of the millions of things you do not understand, may today be the day you embrace the unplanned, and find in new moments not only new things, but space to slow down and room to breathe’ – Morgan Harper Nichols.
Take a few moments to clear your mind and remind yourself not to strive for perfection but to strive for progress.